Presently UntitledI went walking and I found I had a million things to say. But when you came to see me I was full and naught. The words will not come right, I think I'm done with words. I think I'm done with trying hands at greatness. I am always in the middle, mediocre kid. My eyes are full with days as I struggle with hands behind my breast. The swelling in my lungs, I feel it here. I am tied down. I am tied down. I need to leave this place or I will lose my mind.Can I find myself lifted? I sit in new corners of this all too familiar everyday and paint my hunger onto pastel pinups. My sketchpad fills with things I'll never be, persons and people I will never be. I could die right now and leave this unfulfilled. I could take a breath and swallow pills. I could dress myself in finest blues and greys to welcome the coming haze. Some part of me says this is what to do. Some part of me says you'd sleep with me, too.I've made a hundred resolutions these few days, but this I think is most resolved. I'm do
swearI promise that my promisesare true. I swear I won'tbeguile or hide a part fromme from you, nor tear myselfin half. this is my heart: inpieces yet intact. this is myheart.and with a shutting lens I holdyou in my eyes for one moment intime, before you run before thesefaces shift, before the crowd movesforth and eats you whole, a victim ofthe city buses' swim.one day I'll row upstream tomeet you in the middle of theintersect, that giant square where angrydrivers try to cast us to the sides.but stop, and say these words; the hornsblare on their own accord. you'llgo to school to hear them sing andwrite your song to match. and Iwill play, off time.you'll go to school and sing butI will stay the same, with booksand notes and my off-beatingdrum. you'll go to school and sing. andswear to stay in love.
i'm sorrySaying sorry'seasy. I apologize for everything becauseEverything never will. These are myonly words.I save them all for you and they couldcome in spurts, like leaking faucets, orlike pipes in ice storms while thepressure's building up, they could justburst. Or whisper in exhales. Andthough the tap is running it'salmost like something's fixed, if only quickto equilibrium again.Sorry is easy but it doesn't help. Doesit help you? Each trickle is like pebbleson my chest, and still I scream"more weight".Sometimes in desperation I considerreally doing something wrong, and worthyof apologies for once. Would "sorry" fixit then? Or would it break your heart?Lord knows when this will end mywords fall like trees that have givenup. They take the blade and they arefelled. Like me, like you. Like you.Easy or not, quick fix or openclot, I'm sorry works like dust in air.Sometimes you see it, mostly you don'teven notice that it's there.
wakehow does one learn when to put downthe mask? i fake my way throughroots and crags, work lies into myhair that i dare men with PHDsto disengage. my tissue's paintedred the packaging tells lies. inever lose control.how foolish of me to surrenderwhole to someone flawed as i; you'renot my jesus christ. and if you werei still would nail you up.convince yourself of images you'vebuilt me up to be. i was yourdream. sooner or later you'llwake up i'll give myself to you if ithelps keep me whole.the seams are split but i cannotshed farce. at sound i put awaymy pen and close my eyes. thelight is going out.no, none of us are perfect. so pleasestop lying to yourself we eachhave our own drugs. mine comes in blackand blue, and toilet flush. you cannot washthis colour off.who, in the end, am i striving to be?is it for you or me? i'd shed thisskin if i could taste the womb again.
extra ordinarydon't be ordinary. don't sink to ordinaryperson lows. i need to be able to believethat you are superhuman and that youcan hold me backtogetheragain. it'dtake a crane i need you to growextendable arms, i need your salivato be made of superglue, i need yourfingernails as screws i'm falling isaid but you didn't realise it wasyour job to reach out andstop the air. i need youreyes as needles to draw tattoos on myarms. save me protect me from myrazor's edge. i like to jump into thebroken glass. i like to hurt cause ilike to be saved. i like to be heldmore than i like to be touched i'mjust like any girl. but no one holdsa whore and i have soldmy soul.don't be ordinary. don't speak me ordinaryperson words. i need to be able to believethat you are supernatural and that you'dnever ever lie. that all your promises aretrue that songs you writeinside my head are pledge allegianceto my heart. don't makeordinary person mistakes. i need you tobe perfect i need yo